Mind Vacation № 17: Thanks for your email BUT ...

Buddy One, 2024, mixed media on raw canvas, 52 x 42”

Hello!

It's already mid February, and has taken me a bit of time to settle into the new year. TBH, I’m currently in a funk. I’ve been trying to write this newsletter for 2 weeks now and just can’t quite land on what I want to say and I don’t want this space to be filled with an excessive amount of complaints! My perspective is narrow and everything feels half-empty. I hate it when I get like this!

I’m currently focusing on painting for my upcoming solo show. With just one more month to complete my work, I'm determined to savor every moment which is proving to be difficult. When I'm deep in the zone, I tend to lose track of life's details. The desire to wear noise-canceling headphones, crank up the music, and lose myself in the process often leads to mishaps like missing dentist appointments, accidentally doubling up on studio rent payments, and mixing up the schedule for my kids' soccer practice—you know, the usual chaos. It's a reminder of just how much I juggle, hold, and track at all times. So many balls to drop at all times!

Also, with this intense focus comes a cascade of other very real emotions; a looming sense of rejection, a fear of mediocrity, and a nagging dread that I may never achieve the kind of art career I desire. It’s like my insides get all cracked open and raw and I get messy. As I navigate, I find myself wondering if this is why I give so much of my energy to Jenny Pennywood because it's a space where I know I can see direct results. I believe that the more I put into Jenny Pennywood, the more I get out. With my painting, I could paint and paint, reach out to art people and galleries, apply for residencies, and try and introduce my work and most of the time I get no response. Right now my goal is to invite people over to my studio to see my work in person before it leaves for my show so I am sending emails to local folks and inviting and literally, not one person has said yes … too many conflicts in their lives … I get it … or yesterday I got a response that went something like “Thanks for your email and your work is not my taste right now but I do love your textiles” with an exclamation point at the end. Whaaaaaaat - first, that felt rude, second, it was a profound sentence to me that made me weep alligator tears. It is exactly what I grapple with in my Jen/Jenny narrative and this stranger just gave me a karate chop to the knees. It is also a bit comical to me too … I can cry and laugh at the same time. In the grand scheme though, her response was not personal so who cares but feeling the way I do right now, it struck a chord. But the plus side about her email is she did get back to me promptly and I do appreciate the directness and honesty which I feel is a gift of sorts, I guess. Barf.

Despite these feelings (and responses), I keep charging on even though I feel like a hot mess.

I have spent years having softer, quieter desires around my art career. Maybe it is my age and I feel like I am running out of time. Maybe it is a past-life thing? It could be that I started the year feeling like I wanted to give my painting side more energy and sort of “come out of hiding” which created a new opening in my psyche which also could have created an uncomfortable vulnerability … probably why I have hid in the first place. There is no solution other than to sit in it, walk through the portal that I opened, and keep painting. I have something on my wall that says “Let the work lead” but I can’t help but wonder, where the big flying fuck am I going?

I can have humor around it though - a self-deprecating humor, right?

On the plus side …

With the invaluable help of new, organized, and clear-headed freelancers, we've successfully launched the new wholesale side of Jenny Pennywood. I'm thrilled to say that it's off to a promising start. I like to think of the wholesale side as "the long game," and I've had to remind myself of that often. It's an investment, a chance to grow, but it's most definitely a slow and steady journey. Slowness is challenging for me, but we're in the game, and so far, things are going well. I LOVE seeing stores receiving our textiles and creating displays of colors, objects, patterns, and shapes. It makes my heart go pitter-patter. Please keep sharing pictures and tagging @jennypennywood on Instagram.

Here are some of my favs of late PLUS some other things to listen to and look at.

XO, JEN